Surrender (Cunningham Security Book 7) Read online

  Holden had just barely stepped inside the door when I vaguely heard him kick it shut behind him. I couldn’t focus on that, though. Because the next thing I knew, Holden’s mouth was on mine, and he was walking us through my home.

  In any other case, I probably would have marveled at the fact that he seemed to have no problem navigating my house in the dark while he carried and kissed me. But right now, I couldn’t.

  All I could think about was the fact that he was here. I hadn’t seen or spoken to him in days, and I had missed him terribly. So, all of my focus was on him.

  Holden’s mouth disconnected from mine when he lowered me to my back in my bed. His body was bent over mine, and he began peppering kisses along my collarbone and down my chest.

  He yanked my top down, exposing one of my breasts, and instantly captured my nipple in his mouth. My legs, which were still wrapped around him, tightened. I lifted my hips from the bed, seeking pressure between my legs. Holden knew what I wanted—what I needed—and gave it to me. He pressed his weight right where I needed it, causing me to roll my hips.

  “Holden,” I breathed.

  “Can’t stay away,” he groaned as he moved his mouth to my opposite breast, his hand toying with the other. Coming from him, I didn’t know what that meant, and it made me wonder if he was trying to stay away.

  I wasn’t able to concentrate on that, though. Because when it seemed he could no longer take the torture he was delivering to both of us, Holden lifted his body from mine, whipped his shirt over his head, and moved his hands to the waistband of his jeans.

  “Panties, sweetheart,” he said, his voice husky.

  Understanding what he wanted, my hands flew to my hips and slid under the fabric of my panties. I lifted, pushed them down my legs, and tossed them aside. Then, I removed my camisole, belatedly noticing Holden rolling a condom on.

  Holden lightly touched his fingers to my thigh and jerked his head up. “Scoot back,” he instructed.

  I shifted my body back in the bed as he put a knee to the mattress and joined me.

  Seconds later, Holden slid inside. I had him back.

  And I loved it.

  He cradled my hips in his hands, his grip firm and strong. Then, our bodies and my bedroom illuminated by the full moon outside my window, Holden watched.

  He watched as he tortured me.

  There was no other way to describe it. Holden was torturing me.

  Slowly.

  He pulled back as torturously slow as his languid thrust in had been.

  And while I might have wanted to complain, I couldn’t. Because I was too focused on the intensity of gaze. It was directed right at the spot where our bodies were connected. From the little I could see in the moonlight, I knew I liked what I saw on his face too much to say something that would stop him from looking at me that way.

  So, I didn’t.

  I simply allowed myself to enjoy it. To enjoy him and what he was giving me.

  And there was a lot to enjoy.

  It seemed to take Holden no time at all to build me up and have me on the verge of an orgasm. While I knew part of that had to do with the fact that it had been a few days since we’d last done this, I had no doubt that it had more to do with the fact that it was him.

  Clutching the blanket beneath me in my hands, I moaned.

  I moaned and gasped and panted.

  Finally, pleasure tore through my body. Holden continued to move slow, helping me ride the wave until it left me.

  Then, his hands left my hips, as he lowered himself down to one elbow, and brought a hand back to grip my thigh. He clutched it tight against his waist as he relentlessly powered into me, quick and unyielding.

  I held on. Craving it. Needing it. Loving it.

  And then it happened. The quickening of the sound of his grunts and groans filled the air around us. Moments later, I watched, completely captivated, as Holden found his release and came apart above me.

  When he finished, though, everything changed.

  Holden didn’t collapse on top of my body.

  He simply shifted, pressed a kiss to the side of my face, and pulled out. Getting to his feet beside the bed, he walked to the bathroom without a word. And when he came back in the bedroom afterward, he still didn’t say anything.

  I was in the bed, still on top of the blankets, right where he left me. Holden joined me in the bed and immediately began kissing down my body until his mouth was between my legs.

  The worry I had felt when he walked away without a word had vanished. I figured more of this with him was a good thing. So, I enjoyed it. Holden took care of me with his mouth before he initiated round two, this one with me on top.

  But it was after that when I’d realized that I hadn’t been wrong.

  Because when we finished, Holden moved to the bathroom again to dispose of the condom. And when he returned this time, he bent down and grabbed his clothes off the floor.

  I stayed there in bed, too shocked to speak or move, and watched him.

  Once he had all his clothes back on, he put a hand on the bed beside my shoulder and leaned down. His face was inches from mine when he shared, “I had a good time, sweetheart. I’ll call you.”

  It took everything in me not to react the way I felt.

  Instead, I managed to swallow it down and give him a quick nod.

  Then, Holden touched his lips to mine and said, “I’ll take care of locking up.”

  “Okay,” I rasped, feeling uncertainty like never before.

  “Night, Leni.”

  With that, Holden stood and walked out.

  I felt the sheet slide down my back and immediately knew what was happening.

  It was Sunday evening, or perhaps very early Monday morning.

  I hadn’t seen or spoken to Holden since he left my house on Thursday night. But he called me earlier in the day today. He asked if I was going to be around tonight.

  I was and told him so.

  Of course, I had assumed he meant earlier in the evening.

  Apparently, I had misunderstood.

  Because while I had gone through the trouble of making sure I had food prepared for dinner, Holden never showed. Instead, I waited around for a man who let me down by never showing.

  Or, at least, not until now.

  Whatever time it was.

  I was on my side, facing away from Holden. The sheet had stopped moving once it reached the top of my ass. Then, I felt the feather-light touch of Holden’s fingers on the exposed skin of my back since I was only in a pair of panties and a bralette. I hated that my body reacted to his gentle touch the way that it did.

  Especially when he’d let me down the way he did.

  His fingertips traced down my back and over my hip before I felt his lips on the curve of my waist. He was, slowly but surely, undoing me. Holden’s mouth and hands on my body were too much to resist, and I had to admit that I wouldn’t be able to deny myself.

  I shifted to my back. My eyes fluttered open, and once again, I could see the outline of Holden’s body in the moonlight. It seemed he had stripped out of his clothes before he started touching me.

  His palm was pressed flat to my abdomen as he moved his face up toward mine. He kissed my chest, my neck, my jaw, and my lips. Then, he pulled back just a touch and whispered a pained, “Missed you, sweetheart.”

  Hearing that, hearing those words, my sadness was gone. I slid my fingers up into his hair and surrendered to him. I kissed him back, hoping I was communicating that I felt the same.

  I didn’t know for sure how long it was, but it felt like hours had passed as Holden and I connected with one another again. Though, our connection was only ever physical.

  Because once again, when he was finished with me, Holden kissed me, told me he’d lock up, and left.

  And I was stuck wondering if I hadn’t made a mistake that was going to leave me heartbroken.

  I had no idea what I was doing, but I knew I needed to figure it out quick.

&n
bsp; Because I wasn’t sure how much longer I could continue to do what I was doing. Not only was I struggling with it, I also knew it wasn’t fair to do to Leni.

  The problem was that I had no clue how to stop.

  It was late Monday morning, and I was struggling focus on work. Unfortunately, I felt like an ass. Mere hours ago, for the second time, I’d done something I had told myself I wasn’t going to do again.

  I made that promise to myself days ago when I walked out of Leni’s place the first time I’d gone to her in the middle of the night. Just getting myself to go there had been difficult.

  The truth was, when I left Leni’s place following the trip to Reece’s gym, I decided I was going to do what I needed to do to make sure I didn’t fall into a place I feared. I had no problem admitting to myself that I was afraid. Afraid of what a woman, especially a woman like Leni, could do to me.

  But as the days passed, I couldn’t stay away. Leni’s pull was far too strong, and after three days, I finally gave in. I did it only after I promised myself that I was going to stick to her original offer. This didn’t have to be a serious thing.

  I could do that.

  I’d done not serious with other women before her. I could do it again.

  I was such a fool.

  A fool to believe I could keep it as just that. Even if I thought I could, I knew I should have stopped myself after the first night. Seeing that look on her face when she realized I wasn’t staying. When she realized I was giving her precisely what she told me we could have between us.

  It was like taking a knife to the gut.

  Somehow, I powered through the feeling it gave me to see that look and left her alone in her bed.

  Apparently, I was a glutton for punishment because I ended up going back for more only hours ago. I shouldn’t have done it. Twice now I walked out of her place, leaving her sad and alone. Leni did her best to hide it, but I could see it.

  This was killing her at least as much as it was killing me.

  Now, I was sitting here at work and couldn’t think about anything but her. The way she looked, the way she moved, the way she laughed. Most of all, the way she made me feel.

  Before I could become even more consumed with her, my attention was directed to the sound of my co-worker’s voice.

  “I know that look,” Tyson said, as he sat down in the chair on the opposite side of my desk.

  I shot him a look that I hope communicated I was not in any mood to be hassled.

  Tyson ignored my look and continued, “You’ve got trouble with a woman.”

  I let out a grunt. He had no idea.

  “Now’s not a good time, Tyson,” I returned, refusing to acknowledge his words.

  “Sure it is,” he insisted. “You’ve got problems; I’m here to help. Is this about the yoga girl from the fire?”

  Tyson was relentless, and I knew he’d persist. It would just be better to treat it like a bandage. Rip it off and get it over with.

  “Her name is Leni,” I corrected him.

  My friend and co-worker sat back in his seat and said, “Now we’re getting somewhere. Tell me about Leni.”

  Shaking my head, I replied, “There’s nothing to tell.”

  Tyson’s brows shot up. “Nothing?” he repeated.

  “Nope.”

  “You do realize that I’m in the same profession as you, right?”

  I let out a sigh. “What are you looking for me to say?” I asked.

  He threw his arms out to the side and answered, “I don’t know. But it’s clear there’s something on your mind with her. Enough that I can see it and know that it’s not nothing. What’s going on with the two of you?”

  I didn’t respond. Mostly because I still didn’t know what to say, but also partly because I believed that if I talked about her, I’d share the things that drew me to her.

  Tyson pressed, “Locke, brother, it doesn’t take a genius to see that there’s something different happening here. You come here and do what you’ve got to do, but there’s some distraction. The last time you were distracted, it was for all the wrong reasons. I’d like to think the thing that’s taking your attention now is for the right reasons.”

  It was no surprise Tyson recalled my reaction to the end of my engagement. It took me some time to get past what happened with my ex, and all my co-workers knew how hard it had been. It was like I was my dad when he had been trying to cope with the fact that my mom left us.

  I shrugged and explained, “Maybe Leni could be, but I’m not going to find out. I’ve decided I need to put a stop to what was developing between us. I thought we could do the no-strings thing, but we can’t.”

  He cocked an eyebrow. “You can’t?”

  “No. Not only because I can tell it’s not sitting well with her, but also because I’m struggling to keep it just that.”

  “I’m failing to see the problem,” Tyson started. “If neither of you is okay with it, why not just make it the real deal? You know you can have a relationship?”

  No.

  There was no way.

  I didn’t think I’d be able to survive a relationship with Leni. I had no doubts that when it was good, it would be really good. But if it went south, there wasn’t a question in my mind that I’d be miserable.

  “I’m not cut out for that,” I responded.

  “That’s a lie,” Tyson shot back.

  I stared at him in shock. He clearly had no issue calling me out. “Excuse me?”

  Shaking his head, Tyson assured me, “You are. It’s like you forget that we all got to see you in a serious relationship before, Holden. That girl was your top priority. Maybe she wasn’t the right one for you… that doesn’t mean nobody will be. You’d be foolish not to try.”

  I didn’t tell him that I thought I’d be foolish to pursue this further with Leni. As much as I wanted her, I simply couldn’t pretend. I didn’t think it was fair to her that I pretended I could get somewhere with her that I had serious doubts about my ability to do. And even though my recent behavior might not have shown otherwise, I truly did not want to hurt her.

  “I just can’t do it,” I told him. “I’m not sure I can take the risk.”

  The silence stretched between the two of us. Tyson shifted in the chair and stood in front of my desk.

  “I think you’re making a mistake,” Tyson started. “Obviously, you didn’t ask my opinion, and I can’t force you to do anything that you don’t want to do. But I think you’ve made it clear that this is something you want. If you don’t go after what you want with her, you’re going to regret it.”

  With that, Tyson turned and walked out.

  Five minutes later, I was still sitting there wondering if my friend was right. Would I regret not taking a chance on Leni?

  Ten minutes after that, all I’d come up with is that I knew I wanted that sweet reward. Sadly, nobody could give me the guarantees I needed.

  Distraction.

  That’s precisely what I needed.

  I didn’t want to focus on the anxiety I was feeling about the unknown. Over the years, I’d learned to let a lot of things go and how to effectively do it, but I only managed to accomplish that by shifting my mindset through my yoga practice.

  And since I had a lot of uncertainty swirling in my mind surrounding my relationship with Holden, I needed today’s yoga class more than ever.

  It had been a week and a half since Holden brought me in to meet his brother. Reece and I worked out a schedule that was accommodating to the both of us. In fact, I was able to add a few extra classes that I hadn’t originally planned on because Reece had the time and space for it.

  Unfortunately, it had also been a week and a half since Holden and I had a real conversation. I had seen him twice since the morning I made him breakfast as a show of thanks, but we didn’t really do much talking in those instances.

  I didn’t mind the physical closeness with Holden. How could I? He was a marvelous lover, but I was disappointed that the convers
ation between us seemed to have stopped. The first night I was too stunned by the change in him to say anything about it. When I thought about it after the fact, I wasn’t sure it would have mattered anyway.

  In the moment that night, it didn’t even really cross my mind. I hadn’t seen it for what it was until after he left. Truthfully, I had just really enjoyed being with him again for the first time in a few days.

  But when it happened again on Sunday and he left shortly after two rounds of lovemaking, giving me more of the same emotional distance, I started to wonder if this was what things would always be like between us.

  Now, it was Wednesday. I hadn’t heard from him since he left on Sunday, and I needed something to distract me from the constant state of panic I’d been in when I realized the mess I’d gotten myself into.

  So, today’s yoga class was going to be all about busting anxiety. I planned to put in a lot of balance postures into the class today because I found that the concentration necessary to keep my body balanced always took my mind off anything that was worrying me.

  There was still a good ten minutes left before class was set to start. Some familiar faces had already started arriving. It wasn’t uncommon for me to see that happen. Oftentimes, some of my students would come in and practice a little meditation before class began. Typically, I’d just give them a smile and a nod when they came in and let them do their thing until I was ready to start class.

  When the door opened again, I shifted my gaze to it and saw Zara walking in. There was another woman walking in with her that I hadn’t seen in quite some time. I didn’t know they knew each other but was happy to see them both.

  Zara was with one of my friends from school, Lexi Townsend. In fact, Lexi and I had gone to high school together, and halfway through my freshman year in college, she had transferred to my school.

  “Hey, ladies. I didn’t know you two knew each other,” I greeted them.

  Zara nodded as Lexi smiled. Zara shared, “Yeah, I actually met Lexi recently. I’m going to be doing the flowers for her upcoming wedding. Her fiancé works at Cunningham Security, too. She heard about your studio, and we both wanted to show our support by coming to your first class since the fire.”